Oops, I did it again...

Well, for lack of a better title, this one will have to suffice. Most friends and family already know I am pregnant with Newmark baby #2 via the virtues of social media outlets like Facebook. I am currently 19 weeks and 2 days and doing pretty well. Much of the pregnancy has gone by more quickly than the last, owing to the 3 year old that fills my days with such joy and distracts me from the growing sister brewing in my belly. (Yes, another girl!)

Another part of the ease of the pregnancy is that it has essentially been a mirror image of my last, so having done this once definitely provides me with a sense of calm. I've just spent the last while reading entries made during my prior pregnancy, and I can feel the stress oozing out of the page as I read (and re-live) those words. This time, although the complexity and risk of the pregnancy is essentially the same (if not more, for certain reasons) I guess I'm just able to relish in the fact that we (my husband, myself, and my doctor) have gotten me through this once before, and I take comfort in that. It goes without saying that I also have Sadie, so there is a small (slightly cynical, slightly realistic) part of me that knows regardless of the outcome of this pregnancy, I have already won in this life.

Well into my second trimester, I feel this little one move, Jason can feel it move, the discomforts of the first trimester are gone, the cerclage is securely in place (since 12 weeks or so), I've been on bedrest for nearly two months already, and the contractions have already started. The contractions are similar to how they were at this point in the last pregnancy, mostly irregular, mostly painless, and terribly annoying. No trips yet to the hospital for monitoring, and no hours of sleep lost yet to contraction counting; and because of all of that, the bedrest is more like house arrest (with slightly fewer limitations). Feeling grateful that the last sentence is true.

And I have a plan.

I don't know why a plan is so important, but it is. There are those that can go to the grocery store without a list, but I am NOT one of them. I decided to try to go to med school approximately six YEARS before I applied. Yes, I am a planner. I must have a plan to maintain sanity, even if it doesn't work out. And this time around, I have one.

Here's my plan: progesterone shots + indocin until 32 weeks. Then come what may. 32 weeks is a good number (not perfect, not near term, but enough). Earlier than that is not in my plan, and therefore, will not happen, of course.  And you know what that means? I am well over half done. Hooray for all of us, lets ride this minimal contractions wave as long as we can!

Jump up and down...

It has been two years since my last blog. Two years!! Stupid ridiculous! Sadie is almost two and a half. She is like a teenager: she has a mind of her own, she wants to wear pretty dresses to school everyday, and she has sparkly hairclips that she must have put in her hair or else she just doesn't feel like "herself". Her best friend is a boy, Alessandro, who we regularly find her with when we go pick her up from school. Fortunately, we usually find them doing some version of calisthenics, jumping off of jungle gyms, or trying to climb them. No playing house yet.

We are suburbians, period. I have just accepted it. Life revolves around making sure spaces are quiet and safe and playful and conducive to naptime. Making sure the other parents at the park are parenting their own children. Making sure I'm parenting my own. It's life to me, and I am happy, but it makes me recognize that the title of my blog is probably more appropriate than I ever realized before. Sadie has taken to doing this little dance in the evenings, during what we call her "hour of power" where she kind of just goes insane right before bed. She runs all over the house, screaming and playing and having a jolly good time expressing herself in the freedom of our home. She sings a little song, "Jump up and down, turn all around, fall DOWN!" and at the end she plops on her bottom so hard I wonder if it hurts.

We are in trouble.

Bliss

It's an analogy for where we finally are in life with a child.

The pregnancy was beyond words difficult, the first months are insanity, the first year better but still challenging, ruled by breastmilk and sleepless nights. Traveling is impossible (see right). Then in the second year you hit your stride, nights are reliably restful, children have a bedtime and mom and dad reliably have alone time, packing for a trip includes diapers and wipes and a change of clothes, not what feels like the entire house.

Naptime actually happens, she takes direction well enough for you to have a free hand while you go walking down the street, she is playful and fun and creative on her own for longer than 20 minutes at a time.

Ultimately, the crazy jumping up and down and turning around and around in circles during the upheaval that follows the birth of a child - all of that is starting to hit the "fall down" phase - things are quiet, reliable, and routine.

There is finally a sense of FREEDOM!!! I have regained control of my body, it finally feels like it's mine! I am no longer guilt ridden over leaving her for more than an evening, I trust people to take care of her because she is no longer so incredibly dependent - OH IT MAKES ME SO HAPPY!!!!

Grandparents watched Sadie while we went on mini vaca, Porsche style.

But you know what Sadie does right after she falls down, even though it may have hurt, or she may be so dizzy from the turning around phase that she can't see straight? She gets up, and does it all over again. OH MY. Do it again, you must be insane. How do parents have more than one child? How does that work, exactly? How is there money when it seems you're stretched? How is there enough love for another when my heart feels it is exploding with love and I can't contain it with just the one I have? How is there time and space and freedom in life with more than one? I am one of FOUR! How did my parents do it?

Six months

 The only explanation I can come up with is that it is hardwired into us.  (And they are just so stinking cute, just look at that face!!)

Because not only is the actual parenting difficult, but especially for me (or anyone else who has been through complicated pregnancies - see prior posts) this process is crazy making and self and life defining and just plain hard. It seems it should be so much easier to say, "No way, we are a one child family, too bad Sadie, no brothers or sisters." But it's not, it just nags at you and nags at you and nags at you. And NAGS. And then some more, it nags. You get the idea.

Dear Uterus, shut up. Thank you.

 One friend expecting a boy, another expecting twins, another expecting a girl, another just had a girl, coworker expecting girl, another coworker expecting boy, another coworker just had a boy, friends trying for fourth, friends trying for first... AAAHHHHHH!!! Already crazy making!!

 I have a friend who has one. One and done. No sense of pressure from all the questions of if they will have another, able to see it only as a positive thing for her child, no pressure from everyone around her who has more. Just solemn decision making skills that I lack, basically.

 Well, at the end of the day, I am writing this blog. That must mean only one thing. In spite of myself, things seem a little too calm around here these days. Maybe time to start jumping up and down again. Baby on the brain.

Hello All!! I am excitedly and nervously preparing for Sadie's first birthday! (I know, it's already been a year, time flies!) I came across a friend's photography website. She's an amazing photographer who is giving away a free session. So here is the link to her site: http://www.wildflowerstudiophoto.com/blog/?p=7182 New blog to follow....

If I Could Save Time in a Bottle....

Today is my last day before I return to work. I hope this doesn't sound ungrateful - I realize I've had way more time off than many families are blessed to be able to afford. I also recognize that Sadie is getting bored of me and her three toys these days, and that day care will ultimately help keep her stimulated, give her new learning opportunities, and generally help her grow intellectually. And, I recognize the value of a job, of getting paid. Ultimately I want Sadie to recognize this too; I just wish it didn't mean having to be apart.

It's just so difficult to think of someone else being responsible for her all day. Even Jason can attest that when I leave the house, I tell him not to forget to feed her. And I trust him, above anyone in the world. So you can only imagine the panic I feel when I think of leaving her with people I barely know. I guess I need to let go a bit.

But I can't.

There is just so much they don't know. Like that she likes to fall asleep with her head in my right arm, not my left. Or that she always sneezes at least twice. Or the difference between a whine and a cry. And when to come running because it's now a growl-howl, no longer a cry. Or what to do when she chokes on her own saliva (an unfortunate malady she inherited from mommy). Exactly how long to let her whine before going to help her fall asleep. (That's my biggest fear - I have these graven images of her screaming alone in a pac n play for even just 30 seconds longer than when I would have been there for her, and it makes me insane. It doesn't matter that it was only 30 seconds, only that I won't be there to make sure it doesn't happen.) How to lightly stroke her face so that you trick her into closing her eyes, and then she figures out she is tired. The right cadence at which to rock her. Making sure to get her clean while still being ever so gentle during diaper changes. Remembering the A and D ointment. Remembering .... everything.

To play with her, laugh with her.

Love her. They won't love her. Not the way I do.

I want to tell them to call me when she rolls over for the first time. And when she heartily laughs also. And when she smiles, every time, so that I know why, please. And also when she does tummy time because it is not her favorite time and I want her to know I am close by. And also when she sucks her fingers, because I like to see her achieve little things like that. Oh and don't forget to please also call when she has dirty diapers because I want to know if anything changes. And also... actually, just stay on the line with me all day please. And send me a live video stream all day also please.

Actually, just bring her to me. She can just see patients with me. Is there a problem with that?





I wish I could bottle up the time I've had here at home with her and save it for my break times and my lunch times and my all the times during the work day.

I have never been known as a slacker or a pass-the-buck-er or a "no, not I" type of person. But as it pertains to my impending work day, there is now a much greater priority. I just can't see myself slaving through an extra voluntary second of work when my little girl is waiting for me to pick her up. And my inner soul is waiting to go to her, longing for her. I will have to be careful with that - residency is not the appropriate time to ask favors of others, and my coworkers have already granted me eight months of them. And Jason has already been back to work for three months. Again, I am reminded to be grateful.

I cannot help but feel that mommies and babies are supposed to stay together, though.I don't know for how long, but it's probably longer than three months. It's probably forever. The mommy in me says forever. Probably Sadie will disagree when she is 7 and 14 and 23 years old, but then I will tell her "she will see" when she has her own babies. In the meanwhile, I am spending all day today spoiling her, making time go more slowly, making lots of space in my imaginary bottle for every second.

Explosions

So there you have it, Sadie's birth story and the way her first month went. After the rough edges were finally smoothed over and we all started sleeping a bit better (emphasis on bit), Sadie started really taking off. She started out so tiny! But she grew fast. The end of the first month brought with it a weight of around 7 pounds; by July 22 at her 2 month appointment, she weighed close to 10! AND she grew 4 inches in length.

Today, Sadie weighs in at a healthy 12 pounds and is now 23.5 inches long. She is an average 3 month old! So happy, growing like crazy, pooping like there's no tomorrow, and smiling her glowing face at her ever expanding world. She spends half of her awake time investigating new things, like the plant or the mirror or Bosley. She is so inquisitive.

The joy of my heart, though, is her waking disposition. I have never met a happier morning baby. She starts stirring around 830am, and when I peek in her room, she is dancing around with her legs all over the place, staring up at the origami crane mobile that Jason and I made.

She talks to it quietly, cooing and wooing it with her little sounds. (No longer gurgles!) And when Jason and I creep up to her crib quietly, at first it takes her a moment to notice us and draw her gaze toward our faces. And then, lightning strikes, angels sing, bright lights dance around her beautiful face as she explodes with the biggest smiles you can imagine. They are heart melting. And she does it over and over, every time she wakes up.

She has done this since she was about a month old. She earned the nickname of "conartist" because when she is supposed to be taking a nap but instead she is whining, you will go over to her crib to stick the pacifier in her mouth and you will get this smile. It's like she knows that you will be helpless against it and you will just need to pick her up. I have read that "people" think smiling at such a young age is due to gas. Admittedly, she does do a lot of gas-induced rumbling. And her poops can be heard from across the room. But she also does them every time she's been playing for a while and then sees us, or when Jason comes home from work, or when she gets her diaper changed, or when you sing her the alphabet song. They are not due to gas, I think most mommies would agree. To me, they are a physical manifestation of God's grace.

Jaundice, Cows, and other Folley

So when a newborn baby gets dehydrated, it gets jaundice, which means it turns an orangy-yellow color and gets sluggish. Because breastmilk typically takes a few days to come in, babies are shielded from this by being born swollen. The extra fluid protects them from dehydration. But if they are particularly susceptible, or the milk takes longer, they can get it anyways. I didn't realize that she was orange, I just thought she inherited Jason's beautiful tanned skin tone. I guess when you look at these photos, it's hard to imagine that's all it is. What can I say? I was blinded by love... and cuteness.

So, to combat the jaundice, you give the baby all the fluids you can get from your breasts, and you pump like crazy to get the milk to come in. Unfortunately, the prematurity and the jaundice make the baby sluggish. Sadie wouldn't wake up on her own to eat, so we had to wake her ourselves. Her suckle was weak (also due to both prematurity and jaundice), so I had to work with her constantly to get her to open her mouth and move it once she got it wide enough to take in my nipple. Her mouth was small, so I also had to wear a nipple shield so that she could take in the nipple. Once she got started, I had to tickle her, move her body and mouth, massage her chin, rub her head, blow lightly on her face, walk my fingers up her back, and undress her down to her diaper to get her to stay awake enough to work with me. I would do that on one side for 15 minutes, have Jason change her diaper, then do it on the other side for 15 minutes. It was such a chore.

In addition, to ensure my milk supply, I had to pump for 15 minutes after each feeding. In the end, my milk supply came in on Wednesday, Sadie's fifth day of life. And I mean it came IN. Usually a size 34 B on a good day, I exploded to a double D. I wasn't prepared for it - it was so uncomfortable. Thankfully, I have gone down to a single D. I am still a milk cow. Even now, Sadie frequently chokes and sputters as my milk lets down as she just can't keep up with the speedy flow. Poor thing.

Anyway, so I would spend 30 minutes feeding and 15 minutes pumping. Add the diaper change and the clean up and you end up at about an hour. Every two hours. That means once you're done, you've got about one hour before you have to start again. We were so exhausted!

But that wasn't even the worst of it. In spite of all of our efforts, Sadie's jaundice worsened and she lost more weight. We came home from the hospital on a Monday and returned to the doctor for bilirubin checks on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday. Each time we returned, we hoped we would hear that we could spread out the feedings to three hours or more. And each time we returned home with the same plan. By Thursday, we decided to see a lactation specialist. And given that I had milk in gads and it seemed it was all ending up in the freezer when it needed to be getting into my baby, we started giving Sadie back what I was pumping. Not all of it, because I was pumping two to three ounces a breast by Friday. All she needed was 25 mL (less than one ounce). So I would breastfeed and then Jason would bottle feed while I pumped. By Monday, her bilirubin was leveling off. But until she was back to her birth weight, we could not slow down feeds or stop waking her at night to feed. We returned to the doctor when she was one week, two weeks, and then three weeks. No changes. By the beginning of week three, I was over it. I couldn't take it, I was ready to throw in the towel. Jason had returned to work and was no longer able to help much at night, I was beyond exhausted, I was sick of pumping, and I was ready to throw in the towel and just start formula. I cried to him before he left for work that morning. I don't know how he made it out the door. He told me to adjust my attitude, that this was temporary but necessary for our little girl. And then, just when I thought I could go on no longer, finally, she passed her birth weight.

I nearly cried.

We were overjoyed, mostly for ourselves that we could let her start waking us up at night instead of vice versa. Nobody told me that ALL newborns need to feed every 2-3 hours. I shouldn't have been so dismayed when she continued waking us up at night every 2.5 to 3 hours. I didn't get more than two hours sleep in a row for weeks. However, I did get to stop pumping, and it's a good thing because our freezer is FULL. Bags come in 150 and 180 mL sizes. We overfilled them so as not to go through them so quickly. We still have over 100 bags of milk stored. I wasn't lying - I really am a milk COW.

Thank heaven for family - Jason was able to stay home to help for two weeks. Then his mother came over during week three and my parents arrived at the end of week 4. I would have gone crazy if not for these dear folks!

The Little Lady

Sadie met Jason's family the night she was born. They told me as they wheeled me from the LandD room to the post partum room that they were waiting, and in my brain I have a few scattered glimpses of memory of them being there but otherwise I was too exhausted to retain any information. That, and I was on pain medications.

Fortunately, my memory of those first two days improved after a few hours. There isn't much to say about these days, except for that they are filled with sheer bliss. After an isolated scare right after delivery when a nurse didn't like Sadie's color and thought maybe her breathing was not good, Sadie did very well. But because of that they kept her in the nursery the first night under surveillance. It was so nice to get several hours sleep that we had her stay in the nursery again the next night, even though she had been cleared to stay with us.

Here are a few pics from those first days in the hospital.

Jason had been growing out his hair since before our previous miscarriage. He had planned on donating it, but the primary goal, for some reason, was to get to the birth of our first child. We don't know why we set that goal, but we did. And you better believe that the moment he reached our home, it was getting shaved off!

Tiny feet, good for nibbling...

Ahh, the look of love. And jaundice. Believe it or not, I didn't notice that our baby was moderately carrot-colored at this point. We were in for a bit of a ride due to the jaundice. More on that later.